ACE VENTURA
PET DETECTIVE
Written by
Jack Bernstein
Tom Shadyac
Jim Carrey
EXT. STREET - DAY
{}A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. {}We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.
UPS MAN
{}Good morning, UPS!
He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.
UPS MAN
{}UPS, good to see you!
He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
{}The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.
He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
{}Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY
{}ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
We hear a small dog barking.
{}GRUFF MAN (O.S.)
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
{}An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
{}GRUFF MAN
What do you want?
UPS MAN
{}UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!
{}The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.
{}UPS MAN
I have a package for you.
The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.
{}GRUFF MAN
It sounds broken.
UPS MAN
Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.
UPS MAN
That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?
GRUFF MAN
(mumbles)
I don't give a rat's ass.
The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.
UPS MAN
Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!
GRUFF MAN
(under breath)
Brother.
Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.
UPS MAN
That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!
THRASH MUSIC STARTS
INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D
The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D
The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.
UPS MAN
(quickly)
UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.
GRUFF MAN
Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!
The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.
GRUFF MAN
What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!
He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.
GRUFF MAN
Son of a bitch!
He smashes the dog to the ground.
EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D
As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.
ACE
(announcer's voice)
That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be... A LOOSER!
He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
ACE (CONT'D)
LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.
He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.
ACE
(to dog)
No problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.
Ace sits back. SMASH!!!
From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
ACE
Or, we could try it now.
Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.
ACE
Oooh, boy.
ACE'S POV
We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
ACE
Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!
The dog is barking insanely.
ACE
(to dog)
You think you can do better?!
The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
ACE
Wanna give me a push while you're back there?
BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.
ACE
FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY
Ace and his new pal speed away freely.
Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.
The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.
THRASH MUSIC ENDS
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
WOMAN
My little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him, no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my baby. No he isn't.
(very sexy to Ace)
Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
ACE
Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my ñ
She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.
WOMAN
Would you like me to take you pants off instead?
ACE
UmmmmÖ Sure.
She pulls him toward the bedroom.
WOMAN
It takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in the hospital.
ACE
How did he find out? Does he have you followed.
WOMAN
NoÖ I tell him
She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY
The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.
Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.
TRAINER Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.
The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT
The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.
Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.
The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.
They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.
Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.
Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.
Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.
The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.
INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY
Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.
ADELLE
Here you go, honey. Now rememberÖ this kind of fish doesn't like it in the freezer.
JENNY
But what's gonna happen to Dolly?
ADELLE
Don't worry, I'll make sure she gets a proper burial.
Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.
ADELLE
Rest in peace.
Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.
ADELLE
WellÖ here comes another dead fish.
ACE
Hi, beautiful. What time do you get off?
ADELLE
Uh oh.
ACE
(suggestively)
I've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.
ADELLE
Well, I hope I'm not getting a reputation.
ACE
(switching to mock anger)
Just get me the food!
She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.
ADELLE
SoÖ ahh, when can I expect you to pay your tab?
ACE
I'm a little bit Sli Pickins, right now, I'm a little Tight Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm ah ñ
ADELLE
If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'. Just take it.